Back By Popular Demand
‘Lo everyone. I don’t think I’m being a very good tourist. But I think I am being a good local. I’m living the lifestyle, but not necessarily doing all the tourist stuff. Not straight away anyway. Just quickly, for those of you who don’t know, below are Iarla, a “mate” of mine, and his designated sexytime, Nesh.
Slow motion slapping contest.
For starters (excuse the pun) my culinary exploits have varied in their origins, adventurousness, and tastiness. In no particular order, I’ve eaten:
• Indonesian food, including a dish called Tahu Telor, that was at least four times as big as it looked on the menu. And it was made from tofu and eggs. And I liked it. Bonus.
Tahu Telor. Bigger than you think. (Seriously, this thing’s about 8 inches tall.)
• Seafood pasta. Not so local. But great prawns.
• A BBQ chicken wrap. Safe. (It was really late, and this was after trying to eat some Chinese spicy chicken thing that was more knuckle, cartilage and chilli than chicken. Bleurch.)
• Paratha and curry sauce at a roadside cafe. I got told off for using my (clearly faeces covered) left hand to eat with. No, really. Ok, it wasn’t, but it’s rude to do that cos it’s your poopy hand. I forgot.
I am actually looking straight into the camera. I have lazy eyes.
• A “gourmet” burger at Relish. Up there with the best burger I’ve ever had. Oh, and great beer. Silly Saison. Tasty.
It doesn’t look that big in the photo. (Seriously, this thing’s about 8 inches. Around.)
• Wicked Tom-Yum soup and a great lamb stew thing.
• A drink made from a fruit called Soursop. With Lime. Yum.
• Cheap as, er, chips Dim Sum at a hawker food court. In India and so forth, there are small carts on the streets that sell all kinds of tasty stuff. Singapore decided to clean all that up, make them more hygenic, and put them in the same place. So there’s a variety of different covered food courts all around the place. It was about £3 for a bunch of prawn dim sum, noodles and a fresh fruit juice.
That is not all my food.
Dim Sum. Hotter than he thought.
• A Kit Kat Caramel Chunky. I know! Deelicious. (No plastic.) I have also:
• “Prayed” at a temple thing. It was the Kuan Yim Temple, named after the Buddhist goddess of mercy. I had a lotus flower and the burny incense sticks and everything. I don’t amember what I prayed for though. Iarla’s girlfriend Nesh took me and FORCED me to pray.
Nesh, the Prayer Enforcer. Scarier than you think.
• “Hiked” the hill in Bukit Timah Nature Reserve.
- 163.63 metres of hill.
- 5 paths.
- 160 hectares of jungle.
- 2 pints of sweat.
- 500ml of Lemon-Lime Gatorade.
- 1 groin strain.
Me at the top. Not as fit as I think. (Not facialistically. I’m lush)
Monkey and baby monkey. Not as cute as you think.
Monkey nuts. Also bigger than you think.
• “Visited” the Singapore Art Museum. I didn’t spend that long there. Do I like? Not so much. Although the paintings by Feng Zhengjie are interesting. They’re huge things, about 8 feet tall. He paints women with googly eyes in really full on plasticky colours. Beezarre. 
Googly eyes. Both bigger and scarier than you think.
• “Run” around the boardwalks at the MacRitchie Resevoir, for an hour. An hour! Me! They should have a rowing club there. It’s like Lochard, but, er, not. Because it’s about 30degrees warmer. And has terrapins in it. Yes, Kate, terrapins. I will try to get one and smuggle it back in my hand luggage.
• “Climbed” at Climb Asia with Iarla and Nesh. A very nice girl, no, lady, no, woman called Monika (she’s from Poland) didn’t have her usual partner with her, and I didn’t want to play gooseberry with Vanilla Pod and Chocolate Drop, so she accosted me and taught me how to do all the stuff that you need to do to stop someone from falling and dying, and then taught me some more about how to climb. It was great. “Don’t think, just climb” is a very useful phrase. I will defo be doing it again.
“It’s this long. No, seriously.”
• “Watched”, through my hands, ‘The Orphanage’ at the cinema. Singaporeans are very vocal in the cinema. Not as much as black Americans - as David will testify - “Keep yo’ pimp hand strong, Spidaman!” It’s more of a “Oooooooh, ahahahahahahahah!! When something pant-crappingly scary occurs. As it happens, I didn’t think that it was going to be as scary as it was, neither did Iarla. Ha ha. He had nightmares. If you ever want to scare him, just tell him Tomas in his sack mask is coming to get him:
“Tomas” from The Orphanage. Scarier than Nesh. But not much.
Anyway, before jetlag slaps me round the face with the gentle caress of a chloroform-soaked handkerchief, I need to get some new flip flops. The new new ones I bought out here are of the plastic variety, and hence I have little flesh left on my feet.
Click here if you wish to see. You might need a strong stomach. Some people are just more delicate than others.
-Tommy out.
Oh PS: You can leave comments now if you like. Not that anyone ever does. Before it was those of you who have Google accounts, but now it’s anyone. Although don’t comment and try to sell me Viagra or something. (It’s cheap here and I’ve got loads.)
